In advance of the upcoming Mother’s Day, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer an homage to all moms. I wrote my first ode last year and unbelievably, it was one of the most requested topics from readers to bring back. And given the team’s current troubles, well, let’s say that moms are needed in baseball more than ever.
And just maybe, there might be a few who are capable of closing out the 9th inning…..
It is way past due for baseball to recognize the contributions of moms because without us, teams wouldn’t have anyone to draft, trade or sign. And if you’re still not sure, I’m here to tell you that moms can run a dugout much better than a manager. We are, after all, momagers. And most of us work for nothing. Think of the savings and value added, owners!
Like the Marines, we “run towards the sounds of chaos” and in this year of more frequent beanball wars, we offer our teams a distinct advantage. And not a baseball or bat needed…
So how would momagers handle things? Here’s my list for the year – with a few holdovers from 2016 because they still apply.
– Games running too long? No problem. I know who the dawdlers are and how to get them moving faster. Besides, warm brownies in the clubhouse always do the trick. That and the threat of taking away electronics.
– I would bench you if you didn’t run to first base. Just because some of the other boys don’t do it, doesn’t make it right.
– You will know when you’re in trouble because I will call you by your full first name. Beware Brad, Al, Chris, Dave, Rich, Jim and Mikie. And Mikie, we gotta work on that first name because a 27-year-old shouldn’t still be using it.
– If you are playing and trying to run wearing necklaces that resemble the size and weight of a snow tire chain, I’m taking them away from you. This team is slow enough. Besides, a man should never have better and bigger jewelry than a woman.
– We all know who the good boys are, and who are the bad ones. For those in the latter category, I’m keeping my eyes on you. Even the ones in the back of my head.
– Opponents shouldn’t even think about throwing at our players. I’ll come to your dugout and warn you about the consequences before the game even starts. And then I’ll go lecture the umpires before they can throw Matt Boyd out again.
– And if you do happen to throw at one of my cubs, er players, I will be the first one over the railing coming at you. And after I’ve finished, I’m going to call your mom and tell her what you just did.
– Players who are mentally devastated by their bad performances will get hugs. If you need me, I’ll be in the bullpen from the 6th inning on…
– For those players with self-management and team player issues, you will not be left to manage yourself during the off-season. I can tell simply by the sound of your voice on the phone if you are telling me the truth. “Hello, Bruce?”
– No excuses for forgetting your protective gear and then getting injured. Even if you’re on base, I’ll bring it out to you in front of both teams and the crowd. Same goes for guys who don’t wear their jackets on bitterly cold days. I’ll send you back to the clubhouse to get it. You won’t be forgetting them again!
– Long hair is acceptable but long, stringy, sweaty hair isn’t. No one wants to look at that mess of a mop. Offenders will have a personalized styling session on how to do a proper man-bun with myself and my assistant, Daniel Norris.
– Facial hair is also fine. But do know that if you look like you belong to ZZ Top or are suffering from what appears to be mange, I’m coming after you with the latest and greatest tools from Norelco.
– No need to mention that if your walk-up music denigrates women, it will mysteriously disappear and be replaced by either “Muskrat Love” or something by The Carpenters. You won’t do that again!
– Just because all your buddies are going off to the equivalent of Spring Break – the WBC – doesn’t mean you should. Out of 15 of you who went, only Ian would have met my requirements for attending. Unlike management, I know how to play good cop, bad cop.
– I’ll also do what MLB has been unable to enforce – a ban on all tobacco products. “What’s that in your mouth?” will be accompanied by me dressed in a blue and orange striped hazmat suit asking you to deposit it in the lead-lined container. I’m talking to you JV, VMart, KRod and all the other guys who think no one sees the imprint of that round can in your back pocket.
– Speaking of spit, all other spitting will be illegal, esp. in the dugout. It’s ugly to watch, you’re not making friends with the cleaning crew and I’m certainly not cleaning it up. Seeds come without shells, you know.
– I am much better equipped to evaluate your physical health – not the coaches, manager or trainer. Just try to hide the problem or deny it – I just know when something’s wrong. I see you dragging a body part or two around the bases and by the time you reach the dugout, your appointment with the specialist will have already been made.
– Moms never get vacation days so during the off-season, expect to have your activities monitored. No more wrenches, acetylene torches, horseback riding – or glass beer bottles in a pool while you are demonstrating your “tipping” techniques. And don’t even think about getting on a dirt bike.
Do make sure you call your mother this weekend.
Oh, and Chris? Call me…….