By: Holly Horning
On this Mother’s Day weekend, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer homage to all moms. This may be primarily a man’s sport, but without moms, teams wouldn’t have anyone to draft, trade or sign.
However, there is one thing about baseball that is inarguably true. Moms can run a dugout much better than a manager. We are, after-all, momagers. And most of us work for nothing. Think of the savings, owners!
The argument supporting momagers in the dugout reminds me of the current tv ad that says “They run towards the sounds of chaos.” Well, it’s not just the Marines who do it. Moms do more of it and they don’t even have the advantage of using weapons to get their way. That’s why we are well-equipped to handle anything that presents itself.
So what would a momager do? I can’t speak for all of them, but here’s a list I’m just dying to implement:
AS A MOMAGER……..
… I would bench you if you didn’t run to first base. Just because some of the other boys don’t do it, doesn’t make it right.
… if I catch you doing silly stunts in the training room, like trying to set the team record for box jumping, I’d tell you to get down right away before you broke your neck, or some vertebrae in your spine.
… we all know who the good boys are, and who are the bad ones. For those in the latter category, we’re keeping our eyes on you.
… I wouldn’t allow fighting in the dugout. Typical response by a former male manager who claimed he didn’t see a player choking a teammate. I, on the other hand, have eyes in the back of my head. Just ask my family.
… I will call you out on bad fashion. Those Zubaz pants would never have happened on my watch.
… I will also call out bad haircuts. There is absolutely no reason on God’s green earth to emulate the hairstyle of a certain German dictator.
… I will call your mother, if you do something really bad. True story – I learned this from one of this country’s top lacrosse coaches who said it works much better than sitting or suspension.
…if you mouth one of George Carlin’s 7 dirty words, flick your chin or gesticulate with a middle finger to the paying fans, I will personally reel you into the dugout and sit you in the corner. I may also take away all of your electronics for a week.
… spitting will be illegal – not just on the mound, but in the dugout as well. It’s ugly to watch, you’re not making friends with the cleaning crew and I’m certainly not cleaning it up. You can buy seeds without shells, you know.
… just try to leave the dugout while your team is batting. Moms do constant body inventories and we’ll know right away when you’ve left for non-baseball-related reasons. David Price wouldn’t have stood a chance with me around.
… we could accomplish what baseball couldn’t about banning tobacco through a unique process of scared straight tactics and interrogation. Phrases like “What’s that in your mouth?” and “Spit it out right now.” And that little round tin in JV’s back pocket would mysteriously disappear…
We also wouldn’t allow excuses for losing such as not wearing the right sleeves while pitching, the problems with flush home plates or arguments about robots vs. humans. Ah, but that’s another story for another day.
In the meantime, make sure you call your mother this weekend.