EVERY DUGOUT NEEDS A MOMAGER

By:  Holly Horning

On this Mother’s Day weekend, I would be remiss if I didn’t offer homage to all moms. This may be primarily a man’s sport, but without moms, teams wouldn’t have anyone to draft, trade or sign.

However, there is one thing about baseball that is inarguably true. Moms can run a dugout much better than a manager. We are, after-all, momagers. And most of us work for nothing. Think of the savings, owners!

The argument supporting momagers in the dugout reminds me of the current tv ad that says “They run towards the sounds of chaos.” Well, it’s not just the Marines who do it. Moms do more of it and they don’t even have the advantage of using weapons to get their way. That’s why we are well-equipped to handle anything that presents itself.

So what would a momager do? I can’t speak for all of them, but here’s a list I’m just dying to implement:

AS A MOMAGER……..

… I would bench you if you didn’t run to first base. Just because some of the other boys don’t do it, doesn’t make it right.

… if I catch you doing silly stunts in the training room, like trying to set the team record for box jumping, I’d tell you to get down right away before you broke your neck, or some vertebrae in your spine.

… we all know who the good boys are, and who are the bad ones. For those in the latter category, we’re keeping our eyes on you.

… I wouldn’t allow fighting in the dugout. Typical response by a former male manager who claimed he didn’t see a player choking a teammate. I, on the other hand, have eyes in the back of my head. Just ask my family.

… I will call you out on bad fashion. Those Zubaz pants would never have happened on my watch.

… I will also call out bad haircuts. There is absolutely no reason on God’s green earth to emulate the hairstyle of a certain German dictator.

… I will call your mother, if you do something really bad. True story – I learned this from one of this country’s top lacrosse coaches who said it works much better than sitting or suspension.

…if you mouth one of George Carlin’s 7 dirty words, flick your chin or gesticulate with a middle finger to the paying fans, I will personally reel you into the dugout and sit you in the corner. I may also take away all of your electronics for a week.

… spitting will be illegal – not just on the mound, but in the dugout as well. It’s ugly to watch, you’re not making friends with the cleaning crew and I’m certainly not cleaning it up. You can buy seeds without shells, you know.

… just try to leave the dugout while your team is batting. Moms do constant body inventories and we’ll know right away when you’ve left for non-baseball-related reasons. David Price wouldn’t have stood a chance with me around.

… we could accomplish what baseball couldn’t about banning tobacco through a unique process of scared straight tactics and interrogation. Phrases like “What’s that in your mouth?” and “Spit it out right now.” And that little round tin in JV’s back pocket would mysteriously disappear…

We also wouldn’t allow excuses for losing such as not wearing the right sleeves while pitching, the problems with flush home plates or arguments about robots vs. humans. Ah, but that’s another story for another day.

In the meantime, make sure you call your mother this weekend.

9 thoughts on “EVERY DUGOUT NEEDS A MOMAGER

  1. Loved the list! I found myself laughing out loud while I read thru your homage to all mom’s. But I think that a momager is just what the Tigers need. A momager wouldn’t care that “we” didn’t like what she was trying to accomplish. She’d tell you to wait until you were managing your own team; then you can do what you want!

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  2. I think a momager wouldn’t start two subs in the same game whose COMBINED batting average is .244, and then play those subs in critical up-the-middle defensive positions. And I especially don’t think she would start those subs behind a kid who is desperately hanging on to his dream of making the Big Leagues!

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    • Not sure that wasn’t an upgrade over the regular CF (Gose), a guys who’s hitting a career .241 and .208 this season and ZERO steals on the year. Fulmer could have had 3 extra defenders out there and I still don’t think he’s winning that game but his stuff is too good for us not to see a lot of him in the future. Happy Mother’s Day to all here!!!

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  3. Love this! I would add one item to the list. You will leave that dugout as clean as you found it at the start of the game! You don’t throw your garbage on the floor at home so don’t do it here. I didn’t raise you to be a slob and this is not a pig sty! Happy Mother’s Day Holly!

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  4. I agree about the spitting of seeds. I don’t see it as much when watching other teams. It is gross and so junior high. These men need to grow up. The players have Brad right where they want him.

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